Life is different without your parents. I lost my father back in 2001, while Millie Pete left us in 2020. As I slowly get used to being an orphan, I realize I took for granted how much my parents kept our family — both immediate and extended — together. As a kid, you just assume life will always remain the same, but once you begin to lose family members, you see how quickly things change — especially around the holidays.
Katie Jo and I flip-flop the holiday season where Mr. Carter is concerned. One has him Thanksgiving Day while the other takes him Christmas Day, and we switch the following year. Last month he was with her on Thanksgiving, leaving me with no plans for Turkey Day.
In the years my mother was alive and I didn’t have my son on Thanksgiving, we’d still go visit her later that weekend to give Mr. Carter the chance to celebrate several feasts with his entire family during the holiday. But once she was gone and the pandemic subsided, my siblings and I found it easier to just concentrate on gathering for Christmas, leaving Thanksgiving empty for me when my son is away.
I had no desire to spend this Thanksgiving alone, so I reached out to a friend who would also be alone for the holiday. She had lost both her parents and lived away from her siblings like me. She had long been used to not doing anything on Thanksgiving, but I insisted we should try to make a day out of it. We knew a party of two people was too small for a big turkey dinner, and we weren’t interested in fighting crowds at restaurants serving a traditional meal.
Earlier in the week I had passed a billboard near my house advertising that a local Japanese restaurant would be open on Thanksgiving day, so we chose to grab food from there to go — with zero wait, I might add — and went home to watch football all day. It was relaxing and required minimal effort, but I couldn’t help but feel a little sad at the change.
I remember when the holiday was a stressful one, full of anxiety at having to be with family (or more specifically, certain members of the family). But I now realize the reason for the seemingly annoying insistence by parents and grandparents for relatives to show up was because they have lived long enough to know that, if not for them, the family wouldn’t see each other very often.
I am a little different when it comes to family. I teach Mr. Carter that family means not only blood relatives, but also friends. I tell him that family is who he loves and who loves him back and to look forward to hosting Thanksgiving gatherings in the future for his circle. It’s the years I am without him that I need to find my own way of celebrating the holiday, creating a new tradition for myself that is just as meaningful.
