The 51st State? Nah, Canada Says, ‘Bless Your Mess, America’

Welcome to 2025, y’all.

It’s a new year.

Americans are out here pretending they’re enthusiastic about their resolutions.

And the Donald Trump clown car hasn’t run out of gas. It’s still sputtering along, fueled by a crucible of fumes, chaos, whatever’s left of his supporters’ blind loyalty, cold McDonald’s fries and a mystery tank of “covfefe” for good measure.

Let’s hit rewind on the latest nonsense reel, shall we?

So, here’s the gist of Trump’s latest brainwave—and I use that term loosely, because this latest idea of his feels more like it got caught in the same light breeze that keeps his hair defying both gravity and good sense, rather than any actual cognitive process. In all his delusional grandeur, Trump suggested that Canada—yes, a whole country with its love of hockey, a universal healthcare flex and suspiciously clean streets—should become the 51st state!

Nah, he’s not trying to roll up on Canada with tanks and troops to start a military invasion. He’s opting for a slightly less cinematic but equally ridiculous approach: “economic force.”

Y’all know what that would mean, right? 

This self-proclaimed “master dealmaker” would probably wield shady spreadsheets and the same kind of bloated swagger he used to peddle steaks, a scam university and a career riddled with over 4,000 lawsuits and more bankruptcies than a Monopoly game board.

Elizabeth May, a lawmaker who leads Canada’s Green Party, did not come to play with Trump.

In his mind, and McMuffin in hand, Trump’s version of diplomacy seems to be threatening tariffs on syrup and hockey sticks. I guess he thinks sovereignty is just some minor inconvenience. Or, that every neighbor is just waiting to be annexed. Never mind that Canada has its own government and laws. Let’s just erase the border and merge.

“Because Canada and the United States, that would really be something. You get rid of that artificially drawn line, and you take a look at what that looks like, and it would also be much better for national security,” Trump said.

Merging the U.S. and Canada would be “something.”

Yep, just something.

No specifics. No further details, just the vague promise that erasing the border would somehow solve all our national security problems. Pourquoi, you ask? Don’t bother—logic clearly RSVP’d “No” to this idea.

And, of course, he couldn’t resist complaining that America spends “hundreds of billions” protecting Canada, as if Canadians were banging on the White House door begging for our defense budget.

He said “hundreds of billions” of dollars. Because, of course, he did. Because facts don’t matter. Because he likes to make things sound bigly. This man has a chronic condition called Exaggerationitis, where every number magically inflates into the billions, no matter the context. Whether dude is talking about crowd sizes, trade deficits, government spending, how much money he’s lost, or the number of people who supposedly love him, his math ain’t never mathing. But what do you expect from a self-proclaimed “stable genius” with a calculator stuck on fantasy settings?

The cracks in America’s foundation are no longer just visible—they’re gaping.

Oh, and before all this annexation foolishness, Trump—bless his orange heart—suggested that hockey legend Wayne Gretzky, The Great One, should run for Prime Minister of Canada. Now, anybody who has a shred of working knowledge of how Canada’s government works knows you don’t just “run” for that position. But in Trump’s world, actual political experience is optional, but celebrity status, questionable morals and criminal behavior are practically job requirements.

But don’t worry, y’all. Canada wasn’t trying to let this takeover nonsense slide.

Enter Elizabeth May, a lawmaker who leads Canada’s Green Party. Listen, she did not come to play with Trump. She stepped up to the mic like a fed-up teacher dealing with a student who still thinks 2 + 2 equals “hundreds of billions and billions.” Snort laughing as I type.

Let me tell you, she delivered a response that was equal parts civics education, political snark, and pure Canadian shade. Elizabeth May didn’t just throw shade. She built an entire forest. She planted the trees herself and invited everyone to sit under them with a nice cup of tea. And I, for one, am here for all this delicious, maple-syrup-drizzled dragging of a man whose grasp of international relations is as flimsy as his comb-over. Her speech was a masterclass in diplomacy and how to tell an unqualified egomaniac to sit down and shut up without even raising your voice.

“Donald,” she said in that sweetly condescending tone Canadians have mastered, “grab one of your grandkids’ schoolbooks and look up 1776.”

And just like that, Elizabeth May set the tone for what was about to be the most politely savage lesson in parliamentary democracy Trump has ever received—though, let’s be honest, the bar wasn’t exactly high to begin with.

And I love how she was like: “I’m not trying to demean Mr. Trump.” Girl, yes, you were. And I loved every single second of it. The way she delivered that line with signature Canadian flair made all that condescension feel like a warm hug over here on the East Coast after getting nearly a foot of snow. She then walked him through the basics of Canada’s parliamentary system like she was explaining algebra to a student who’s been eating glue.

Oh, but she wasn’t done.

May put on some skates. She made it painfully clear that Canada isn’t some spin-off of American politics where billionaires can just buy their way to the top like it’s a bad reality show. And just in case Trump’s notoriously fragile ego wasn’t bruised enough, she upped the ante with a proposal so smooth it probably left him blinking in confusion.

Canada wasn’t trying to let this takeover nonsense slide.

F being the 51st state! May trolled Trump with sovereign sass by throwing down a counteroffer.

Hey, California, Oregon, and Washington—y’all can come join Canada as the 11th, 12th and 13th provinces. LOL. She actually called it “Cascadia.” That sounded like an eco-conscious insult.

She didn’t stop.

May said Canada will take Bernie Sanders, too. She didn’t say it outright, but you could practically hear her muttering, “Y’all ain’t doing anything useful with him anyway.” I could see Bernie sipping Tim Hortons coffee in a flannel shirt, some poofy mittens, frosted-up eyeglasses, and finally living his best socialist life in peace. Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine—y’all come on up too!

She sweetened the pot with promises of free health care (because GoFundMe shouldn’t be your insurance provider), stricter gun laws (because Canadians like their streets bullet-free), abortion rights that aren’t constantly up for debate (because women’s bodies shouldn’t be a political battleground), and an overall upgrade from chaos to competence.

The Donald Trump clown car hasn’t run out of gas.

But the pièce de résistance was when May pulled out the stats. Trump’s beloved America has a gun fatality rate of 5.9 per 100,000 people, while Canada’s is a mere 0.88. Translation: “Donald, your country is literally shooting itself in the foot, and we’d prefer to keep our toes intact, thanks.” She didn’t even raise her voice, but the energy screamed, “Say somethin,’ MAGA man.”

The mic throw was her closing line: “If it was a joke, it was never funny, and it ends now.” And oh, what a line it was.

Elizabeth May’s speech wasn’t just a polite roasting and basting of Trump’s own delusions and stupidity. It was a mirror held up to America in this critical historical moment, and the reflection was anything but flattering. This is a country that elected Donald Trump not once, but twice (yes, twice—because let’s not forget the Electoral College math that handed him his first term). A country that never misses an opportunity to proclaim itself the “greatest country in the world,” while the evidence continues to scream otherwise.

American exceptionalism has always been a comforting fairy tale, but May’s four-minute masterclass made it clear that the rest of the world isn’t buying it. She called it out without saying the words: our broken healthcare system that forces parents to crowdfund lifesaving treatments for their kids. The epidemic of gun violence that makes our streets and schools feel like war zones. The willful ignorance that keeps science, history, and basic facts up for debate. The fragile egos in leadership that would rather fan the flames of division than face hard truths.

And in the middle of all this chaos, May’s invitation to California, Oregon and Washington wasn’t just a clever bit of trolling—it was a pointed reminder that there’s something better out there. Healthcare that doesn’t bankrupt people for needing an ambulance. Streets where strict gun laws lead to fewer families burying their loved ones. A government that doesn’t treat women’s rights like a ping-pong ball in a partisan game. Her speech was a pitch, not just for Canada, but for a vision of governance that prioritizes dignity, safety, and common sense—things that feel increasingly scarce in America these days.

May’s invitation for blue states to join something better wasn’t just a dig at Trump; it was an acknowledgment that the cracks in America’s foundation are no longer just visible—they’re gaping. And while we’re busy pretending everything’s fine, the rest of the world is shaking its head and wondering how the so-called “greatest country on earth” ended up here. May said the quiet part out loud: America isn’t exceptional. It’s a cautionary tale and an empire in decline.

Elizabeth May didn’t just drag Trump—she gave the whole country the side-eye. And honestly? We earned it. Because while we’re over here trying to convince ourselves we’re still “the greatest,” she reminded us that the rest of the world is watching … and laughing.

Dr. Stacey Patton is an award-winning journalist and the author of Spare the Kids: Why Whupping Children Won’t Save Black America.

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