“Can You Spare a Sheet, Please?…” Julia Louis Dreyfus – NormaZager.com

Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy? The juicy kind that makes the rounds on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook or Substack. Everyone is weighing in with a fury and writing madly about their take on this new mystery.

I can only imagine what would have happened had we had social media during the Kennedy assassination, MLK or Bobby?

Kennedy’s assassination as painful and excruciating as it already was would have been unbearable. It was already fraught with a cornucopia of theories from which to choose. And yet still to this day do we really truly know who ordered that hit? Not really for certain. Will we ever? Probably not.

It’s like the Hoffa disappearance and the yearly discovery of his remains, or a million other explosive stories that make the rounds constantly. Most just foolish imaginings, some with a grain of truth, but too little evidence to be considered proof.

We all remember the pandemic I believe. Hard to forget actually, although it’s difficult to imagine it was already six and a half years ago.

I actually have a conspiracy theory I haven’t really shared with anyone, but I will go out on a limb here and lay it all out.

Yes, we suspect that Fauci indirectly gave the Chinese money to create a deadly virus in a Wuhan lab. I don’t think anyone was really buying that wet market boloney.

So if that was really part of it, and that’s a big if I admit, it seems pretty likely there was one entity that would profit big time by its creation. Dada! Big Pharma of course. I mean in every crime show they always tell everyone to follow the money. Can you line up for a poke please?

Guess it does seem likely they may have not been all that upset about the whole COVID thing.

But, and here’s a big but, there were also others that profited unimaginably by the pandemic.

Amazon for example. Lauren Sanchez and her plastic surgeon are now reaping the benefits of that windfall. There wasn’t even any living without that daily ring of the bell. And let’s face it we never really broke that habit.

Okay, so what’s my new theory that no one has really explored? Drum roll please! There are four. Yes, that’s right four suspects I am currently checking out with gusto. And they are: Essity, Swedish hygiene and health company that produces tissue lines globally. Kimberly-Clark, the American corporation that produces Scott and Cottonelle and Procter & Gamble that makes Charmin, one of the biggest market shares in consumer paper goods. Let us not forget Georgia-Pacific that turns out Angel Soft and Quilted Northern.

Aha! So now maybe you’re thinking this broad isn’t so crazy. About this anyway.

Let’s face facts, may we? How many people had the shot? Sure, tons. But how long will they continue to have it?

See? Big money maker, but temporary.
I suspect not only is everyone continuing to order TP, but they have had a priority shift about the product as well.

It was like a sense of desperation set in. The constant counting of remaining rolls. When to reorder, how many? Searching for new places to store those giant boxes filled with what became the undeniably most coveted necessity ever.

If a family ran out of potato chips sure there would be complaints and grumbling. Or ice cream, or the basic daily food groups, like chocolate. I imagine there may have been a revolt or two even in the calmest of families.

But could everyone survive without chocolate for a day or two until the next Amazon van pulled up? Well, everyone but me of course. Sure, not life or death for anyone.

But toilet paper. Are you kidding me? Unless you have a bidet, which is something many now have seen the wisdom of possessing and invested in.

I dread to imagine the chaos had there been a shortage. Many of us remember the Seinfeld episode when Elaine tried to borrow a sheet from the stall next to her.

I’m not being crass or trying to be as gross and disgusting as Prince Harry about this subject. I’m simply saying these four companies racked up some pretty significant profits in 2020.

Kimberly Clark up over four billion, Georgia Pacific over six billion, Essity up 11%, Proctor and Gamble up over ten percent just in the U.S. alone.
So our follow the money theory, although it also applies to others like Amazon and Netflix, is not looking so crazy now. I mean Shtisel alone made Netflix that year. Although I must admit I believe Netflix innocently profited from the windfall which continues to this day.

I can’t swear for the toilet paper kings over there. And although I’m not accusing them of anything, I must point out the strange coincidence between being homebound and the worldwide run on toilet tissue.

To this day, I am paranoid about running out. I order twice as much as I used to just in case. Am I the only one still in a toilet paper hoarding PTSD mindset. I don’t think so.

No one ever thought or entertained any fears about a shortage, now many do.

So if Greed is good, Gordon Gecko must be busy trying to create another scary virus to amass and expand his fortunes.

I guess as we grow older, we realize some of those old timey adages we heard as children might actually have a great deal of validity.

So yes, the early bird is still catching the worm, all that glitters isn’t gold and an ounce of prevention is for sure worth a pound of cure, even at today’s prices.

And whodda thunk that the boy scouts would be the philosophers of the ages? Yep, “be prepared” wins the learn-it-the-hard-way lesson now.

Oops gotta go, Amazon is outside delivering a box of Godiva.

Published by normazagercom

Award-winning journalist and star Judge of Baking It on NBC with Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph and Andy Sandburg Norma Zager combines her years of stand-up comedy with her writing skills, to create an offbeat, hilarious take on Baby Boomer life and growing older in today’s world that touches the chocolate-coated soul of everyone.
One of the stars of the Food Network’s Clash of the Grandmas, Zager had returned to journalism after a 14-year stint as a stand up comic, playing Vegas regularly and opening for the biggest names in laughter. She created Norma’s 14 Karat Cookies after moving to Los Angeles and was the first comedian to have her own comedy/cooking show in Las Vegas. Her numerous television and radio appearances including Home and Family and appearances on the Food Network made her a favorite with audiences.
Her cooking show on Beverly Hills Cable Network can also be seen on Youtube.
In 1999, Zager returned to her journalistic roots when she accepted a reporter position at the Beverly Hills Courier newspaper and became editor after nationally scooping all other media and breaking the story about Laura Schlessinger’s mother’s death.
When Erin Brockovich sued the city of Beverly Hills alleging an oil well on
on high school grounds was the cause of numerous cancers in former students, Zager’s coverage garnered national attention. In 2003 she was named Los
Angeles Journalist of the Year and Best Investigative Reporter by the Los Angeles Press Club. The Wall Street Journal and The Columbia Journalism Review both featured articles about her work on the Brockovich story.
Zager’s book about the Brockovich/Beverly Hills lawsuit entitled Erin Brockovich and the Beverly Hills Greenscam, is currently available on Amazon and bookstores everywhere.
Lila Luminosity and the Lipstick Murders and Lila Luminosity and the Planet Christmas Murders combine her love of comedy, cooking and reporting to create a crazy, zany, fun-filled ride through the universe armed with chocolate, shoes and every woman’s perfect boyfriend. They are also available on Amazon.
Zager and her family reside in Los Angeles, where she is a journalist, radio show host, author, speaker and part-time journalism professor at California State University.
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Published
August 1, 2026