17 Things Not To Say To a Chronically Ill Loved One – The Root

Whether it’s diabetes, cancer, sickle cell disease or another long-term condition, chronic illnesses affect countless Black families every day, but studies show that healing has much to do with their social circle. When someone you care about opens up about their diagnosis, it can leave friends, family members, and even coworkers scrambling for the “right” words—but it’s important to approach those conversations with care.

From comparing someone’s diagnosis to a tragic story to swooping in with relentless optimism, certain comments can unintentionally minimize a person’s experience or add to their stress. If you’re wondering how to approach your loved one’s diagnosis empathy, here are a few phrases to skip—and tips on what you may want to say instead.

Don’t Start Crying…Here is What to Say and Not to Say

Don’t say: “Oh my God! Are you serious?” or “I can’t believe this is happening!”

Hold it together. It’s enough of a struggle for someone recently diagnosed to manage their own emotions—let alone yours. Having that talk with your loved one can be rough, but it’s more important that you keep your composure as your listening. Allow them to lay out their thoughts they way they choose without bulldozing the conversation with fear or chaos.

Try instead: “I know this may be rough for you” or “I’m here for you if you need anything.” Sometimes, just being a steady source of support is more meaningful than trying to find the perfect words.

Asking Folks “What Stage Are You?”

Don’t say: “What stage are you in?” or “Has it spread?”

Questions like these may seem harmless, but they can put someone on the spot to share deeply personal medical information they may not be ready to discuss. Remember, no one owes you the details of their diagnosis. Don’t go on prying about how much an illness has spread, what stage their in, or how bad it feels. If they want you to know, they’ll disclose the information.

Try instead: “I’m listening. Call or text me anything. And what you don’t want to tell me, I will not ask.”

You Did Not Keep Their Diagnosis Private

Don’t say: “I only told a few people, what’s the big deal. Everyone will know soon?”

If someone confides in you about their chronic illness, that information isn’t yours to share. Even if your intentions are good—whether it’s informing concerned family members, classmates, church members, or friends—telling others without their permission can feel like a betrayal of trust and take away their ability to share their own story on their own terms.

Try instead: “Who, if anyone, would you like me to tell?” or “I’ll keep this between us—unless you say otherwise.”

They Didn’t Tell You Sooner—Or At All

Don’t say: “Why didn’t you tell me?” or “I can’t believe you kept this from me.”

The truth is, no one owes you a rundown of their latest doctor’s appointment or diagnosis. Living with a chronic illness can be overwhelming enough without feeling pressured to update everyone around you. In some cases, people feel more in control when they can simply focus on themselves and the task at hand. Let people share their health journey on their own terms—and if they choose not to share at all, respect that, too.

Try instead: ” Thank you for being open with me and I want to remind you that you are not alone.”

Comparing Their Diagnosis to Someone Else’s Tragedy

Don’t say: “My aunt had that…and she died…”

Hopefully, we don’t have to tell you why this isn’t the best option, but it needs to be said. First, medicine has come a long way and diseases that used to be a death sentence, can be contained through medicine and therapy. Be careful how you respond to someone when they op up about their illness. Even if you’re trying to relate, remember that every person’s health journey is different.

Try instead: “How are you feeling about your treatments?”

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Judging Their Health by Their Appearance

Don’t say: “But you don’t look sick.”

Many chronic illnesses are invisible. Folks may be dealing with pain on a daily basis and carrying on as usual despite managing symptoms, treatments, appointments, and emotional challenges behind the scenes. Or they could be doing well and feeling well.

Try instead: “You look good and sound so positive. I am proud the way you are handling everything, but I can’t imagine how tough this is! ”

Offering Unsolicited Medical Advice

Don’t say: “Have you tried this diet, tea, or supplement? It’s sure to do the trick!”

Even when advice comes from a place of love, unsolicited suggestions can feel dismissive of the medical care and decisions someone is already making with their healthcare team. On the other hand, if your loved one is open to exploration, then you’ve got a green light. The key? Just ask. 

Try instead: “Is there anything I can do to support this journey?”

Force Positivity When Someone Is Struggling

Don’t say: “You got this” or “be positive.” or “You are a trooper.”

People living with chronic illness deserve space to feel scared, frustrated, exhausted, or uncertain. Constant positivity can sometimes make people feel like they have to hide their real emotions.

Try instead: “I’m here for you, regardless of what you’re feeling.”

Turning Their Diagnosis Into a Debate

Don’t say: “Why Is it Taking your doctors so long to get answers”

Unless you are a medical doctor, please don’t cause extra stress by questioning the professionals every step. While you are grocery shopping at Trader Joes, the medical professionals are working hard to figure out how to help your relative live a long life. Questioning someone’s care plan can feel invalidating, especially when they’ve likely spent months or years navigating appointments, research, and difficult decisions. Plus, the tension of debate alone is enough to shift your loved one into the wrong mindset and prompt confusion. If they have questions, support them, but don’t talk about things you do not know.

Try instead:  “You should feel feel to ask your medical team any questions.”

Telling Someone to Stop Taking Their Medication

Don’t say: “Go natural. You should get off that medication!”

This is dangerous. For many folks, medication is not a shortcut—it’s part of how they manage their health and maintain their quality of life. In some cases, medication has addressed grave concerns in a timely manner. Telling someone to stop a prescribed treatment can feel dismissive and cause an early death.

Try instead: “I’m happy to support the methods you feel are best for you.”

Assuming You Know Exactly How They Feel

Don’t say: “I know exactly what you’re going through.”

This one may not rub everyone wrong, but it’s a slippery slope. Even if you’ve experienced illness yourself, everyone’s diagnosis, symptoms, and emotions are different. Sharing empathy is more helpful than making comparisons. It’s certainly not time to make it about you.

Try instead: “I can’t fully know how this feels for you, but I am here to support you through it”

Making Their Illness the Only Thing You Talk About

Don’t say: “So, how’s your illness?” every time you see them.

People living with chronic conditions are more than their diagnosis. Constantly centering their illness can make them feel like they’ve lost parts of their identity. And to be fair, activities outside their diagnosis can help them achieve a sense of normalcy.

Try instead: “What’s new with you?” or “Girl, do you want to go to brunch and walk around the city on Saturday? I need to exercise and gossip.”

Questioning Their Symptoms

Don’t say: “Are you sure that’s from your illness?”

Doubting someone’s experience can be especially harmful for people with invisible illnesses who may already struggle to have their symptoms taken seriously. Furthermore, those family members and friends who try to convince you that you’re “overreacting” or “being dramatic” can add another layer of frustration to an already difficult experience.

Try instead: “I believe you.” Take someone seriously the first time when they say they aren’t feeling okay.

Don’t Treat Their Diagnosis Like a Death Sentence By Crying

Don’t say: “I’m worried this won’t end well.”

Please don’t start crying the time someone opens up to you about their illness. If doctors say they are doing well, believe them. Doctors have no reason to lie, but doesn’t mean there is a still along journey to go. Leading with fear can make someone feel defined by their diagnosis instead of seen as a whole person. Additionally, taking each moment as it comes step by step creates a clear mind, and an even clearer path forward. Now is the time to slow down, be present, and supportive rather than fearful or focused on the worst-case scenario.

Try instead: “How are you feeling today?” or “What support would feel helpful right now?”

Support Starts With Listening

When someone shares that they’re living with a chronic illness, they’re not always looking for answers—they’re often looking for understanding. You don’t need the perfect words or a solution to show up for someone. Sometimes the most meaningful thing you can offer is believing them, respecting their choices, and reminding them they don’t have to navigate it alone.